I guess you could call me a Student Teacher ...

on Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I guess you could call me a Student Teacher ....

Here I am again, having left the blog for too long and feeling the need to put some of my life on paper. It's going to be a tough one cuz I am just not feeling a stream of thought flowing like I want before I plan to write, but it's time and I'm here, so here it goes.

I find myself in an incredibly educational season. That's a funny statement. I'm asking, did I lose myself? Or have I really even found myself? Everyday I am learning more about who I am and who He is. I learn about how much I lack and how faithful He is to fill me up. Not only is His strength made perfect in my weakness, but He turns everything around and makes me look good too. It's ironic that I am learning these things now. These are the very things that make up the bulk of what we want to teach our students this year, a sense of identity, knowing who we are and here I am still learning. Maybe being a professional learner will make me a better teacher, here's hoping.

It is an overwhelming time in my life. I realized recently that this is the first time I have worked outside of the home since I was pregnant with Ben. Yep, it's been nearly 12 years! I am suddenly overcome with gratitude to God for the grace that was on our family for the past 12 years. To have been able to stay home with my kids over the years has been a treasured position that I don't take for granted. I have loved being undivided (for the most part) in my love of staying home and being with my kids. God was blessing me day by day with opportunity to pour my life into my kids, my family and friends through relationship. I didn't love it everyday, but I learned to love it and walking into a new season has been a tough transition. I still have the same love and value for staying home and being there for my kids, but I have found a new joy in teaching and directing this school of ministry. I am only working at the school part time, but also feeling more pull from church and ministries that our students are involved in. For years, while my kids were small, I cried at the expectation of going back to work. I was devastated by the idea that I would have to leave my kids. Part of that struggle is still in me, but my heart cries out for a new grace. My prayers are to God to cover my kids, teach me to guard our relationship, while making a way for me to be at the school more. We are still homeschooling Ben and Caleb, while Bailey is attending a local Christian school. We'd started to consider the kids schooling as the older two were getting in the higher grades, but I didn't think I would ever want to work outside the home. I'm surprising myself. I honestly feel like I was born for what I am doing now! 

My heart is pulled in so many directions today. Each time Graeme and I have a meeting or commitment outside the home I hear the disappointment in the kids voices. "Where do you have to go this time?" or "I thought you were staying home today." The kids have felt the strain of transition as much as I have. They want to have their mommy home 24/7 like I used to be. I'm learning to be available when I'm home, invested in what I'm doing when I'm not home and always engaging the kids at every turn to demonstrate to them that they still have my heart without having all the attention. It's such a stretch! Internally processing is quickly becoming a luxury as they long to relate with me/exchange whenever we are together. 

I'm starting to understand the role of Elasta-girl from the Incredibles. Realizing what I am capable of and what I just have to be, like it or not. My role at school has demanded a lot of me and more importantly a lot of Christ in me. I am constantly coming to the end of myself and calling out, "Jesus, I need you." I think it is a healthy place but it is not a comfortable place. I find myself constantly confronted with the fact that I am not enough and almost afraid that the people who are trusting me will figure that out. I keep having dreams about being caught naked or exposed in public places. I never realized how vulnerable of a place it is to be entrusted with such great responsibility. It's this daily walk of reminding myself who I am in Christ and that I only have to be who God made me and then He picks up the slack. He makes it all work out for me, because of me and in spite of me.

I'm reminding myself moment by moment that I am here because of His love. I am here to obey what he's called me to do. I am here because He loves me and I serve because I love Him and the rest of the world needs to know what I know. I know that I am not doing it alone and that His grace is on me and the situation so I strive to rest. I strive to remain in peace and give him the wheel. Captain my captain, lead me and keep me, hold me steadfast on the path. I have to be so aware of where my hope levels are and stewarding them. 

... I'm finding it hard to write at the moment .... I am so caught between process and understanding .... Where I am going and where I want to be, what I know and what I'm learning. The more I figure that I understand, the more I'm caught in a place of knowing that I have so much to learn. This isn't sounding like a very victorious blog at the moment, but I really am seeing the fruit and the victory in what we are doing here. I am tired, but I'm figuring out what rest looks like in the midst of running. So I will leave you with the words of this song because they are close to my heart today and an encouragement to me. I hope they encourage you today too.

It's called Love Came Down by Brian Johson

If my heart is overwhelmed and I cannot hear Your voice 
I’ll hold on to what is true though I cannot see 
If the storms of live they come and the road ahead gets steep 
I will lift these hands in faith I will believe 

I remind myself of all that You’ve done 
And the life I have because Your Son 

Love came down and rescued me 
Love came down and set me free  
I am Yours I am forever Yours 
Mountain high or valley low  
I sing out remind my soul  
I am Yours I am forever Yours 

When my heart is filled with hope and every promise comes my way 
When I feel Your hands of grace rest upon me 
Staying desperate for You God, Staying humbled at Your feet 
I will lift these hands and praise I will believe 

After all, it is all about Him, isn't it?
Love you,


Anonymous said...

Love it Chris. I love reading about what is happening, and seeing your heart. You are inspiring to me and I'm sure, to many others. I love you :)

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